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A Letter to the President 4

          President Obama,

          Still waiting to hear back on the official details of the job, but I hope that you got the fruit basket and pet that I Fed-Exed to you. Most people wouldn’t appreciate a pet howler monkey, but I know that Sasha and Malia will just love it. You’ll notice that it’s been exposed to many years of radiation to symbolize change, and help citizens to believe in it. I suggest naming this new Official White House pet after the world leader you like the least. This way you can hold press conferences saying “I tried to be here earlier, but Kim Jong-Il peed on our carpet again.” Of course, that’s not the only reason I’m writing you.

          See, I heard that we, the good ol’ red white and blue patriots of eagles, football and the Manwich, did not get the 2016 Olympics, but instead, lost them to Rio De La Creme, or some other foreign country that frankly, I doubt the existence of. However, as I’m sure you’ve come to expect, I have a solution.

          We’ll make our own Olympics. This way we can do everything the way we want. For instance, one of the main problems about the Olympics is it revolves around merit, rather than simply giving the top prize to the best nation. In our Olympics, there will be no more gold medals going to countries like China or Canada, and especially not whatever country Rio is in. It’ll be the very first rule we set out.

          However, as we’ll most likely get sued by the International Olympic Committee, we will most likely have to change the name of the event. I suggest either calling it the “Operation: Desert Freedom Bowl Cup”, the “Beer Pong and Eating Contest of the Free (with Cheerleaders from the Atlanta Braves)” or the simple yet elegant “Obampics”. For the sake of continuity within this letter, I shall refer to them as Obampics.

          And so, here are my suggestions for the Rules of the First Obampiad:

          Rule the First – The USA is the winner of every event.

          Rule the Second – Communists will be allowed to compete only in events in which the finish line is followed by a giant cage.

          Rule the Third – Each country joining must give fifty cents to General Motors upon entry, or buy a share of stock in the company, whichever is more expensive.

          Rule the Fourth – The following sports are forbidden: Field hockey, trampoline, gymnastics, synchronized swimming, the 200m dash (but not the 100, that’s legit), the triathlon and of course, judo, which has always been offensive to Jewish people. Honestly, I’m appalled by the IOC on this one. 

         Rule the Fifth – Any entrants with superpowers or cyborg appendages will be forbidden from competing, unless they are part of Team USA, in which case, they are forbidden not to compete.

         Rule the Sixth – Vice-Obama must light the torch, and will be given a 10% raise for each medal won.

         Rule the Seventh – All cheating, if not by the USA, will be punishable by the most patriotic punishment imaginable: Death by eagle pie.

         As you can see, I’ve already got this pretty planned out, and as soon as you clear a budget for the eagle pie and communist cage, I can have the First Obampiad ready and in Chicago by this time next year. Oh, and we’ll hold the Obampics every four and a half months. Four years is just too much waiting, and it gives the other athletes too much time to prepare. 

         Anyway, hope that you enjoy your radioactive monkey, and I look forward to seeing you at the October 2010 Obampics.

         Thank you,
         Your soon-to-be-Vice Obama

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