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A Letter to the President 3

            President Obama,

            I hope you had a good Vice-Obama Day! I didn’t see any media coverage, but I’ll assume that it’s only because you’re saving it for an even bigger extravaganza next year.

            However, this letter is not about holidays, or even about Communists. This letter is a plea from America to you to reveal something that we all suspect. Mr. President, please reveal your superpowers.

            I’m not sure what they are exactly. Perhaps you can melt metal with your eyes, or control plant-life with your kneecaps, or direct traffic with your ears. Well, come to think of it, that last one’s not really a super-power, but you could probably do that too. I’m sure that would help.

            Think of all the good you could be doing in America with your superpowers. If you could locate people with your mind, you could simply find Osama Bin Laden, Amelia Earhart, Jimmy Hoffa or the real Saddam Hussein. This will also help whenever you misplace Joe Biden.

            If you could time travel, you could recruit Roman conquerors in the fight against Iraq, as well as predicting whether that is a good idea or not. You could also introduce Vice-Obama Day in the 1400s, or make Velcro the national export of Ancient Mesopotamia.

            However, if you have certain powers, please do not use them. For instance, if you hypnotize people with your uvula, don’t. If you can light fire to buildings by pole dancing, don’t. If you can turn terrorists into pie by singing Backstreet Boys songs by candlelight, please, please don’t. It’s not worth the amount of YouTube backlash you would face. (Speaking of which, I think YouTube needs a government bailout. There are far too many bootleg music videos on there that have very crappy quality, and I think unnecessary government spending would fix this.)

            Nonetheless, if your powers are useful and not embarrassing or harmful to the U.S. or any the good parts of Canada, it’s your duty as President to reveal and use them to the best of your abilities. Perhaps you could even form a superhero team with other world leaders, such as these heroes of politics:

            The Russianator (Vlad. Putin): Using his powers of hypnosis and KGB-trained telekinesis, he could clobber terrorists and supervillains with his mind whilst flying. He could wear a red cape adorned with a hammer and sickle, as well as one of those fuzzy earmuff hats and a belt full of poison. Yes, he’s a Communist, but we can round him up later. We can focus on getting others like Tina Fey and Pat Sajak first.

            RoboCanuck (S. Harper): My Canadian sources tell me that the Prime Minister can speak very fluently in the language of Robot. He can also capture souls and see at night with his creepy, creepy eyes. So don’t look directly at him. Just point him at Kim and Mahmoud.

            Franceman! (N. Sarkozy): Although there is no video footage, pictures, news reports, sightings, hearings, tabloid whispers, rumors, inferences, implications or internet animations to prove the following point, Nicolas Sarkozy can breathe fire. So take that, Communists, terrorists and supervillains – Fire. Lots of it.

            Although there are dozens of other world leaders with advanced abilities, I’m sure you’re already in talks with them, and have witnessed these powers in UN meetings, where you most likely play games such as “Electric Chairman”, “Flaming Intern” and “Exploding Microphone.”

            I hope one day I can join you in electrocuting a chairman, Mr. President.          

            Thank you,
            Your soon-to-be Vice Obama.

One Response to “A Letter to the President 3”

  1. […] Letter To The President A Letter To The President 2 A Letter To The President 3 A Letter To The President 4   That is […]


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