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A Letter to the President

            President Obama,

            I understand that you have found many problems in the beginning of your administration that are proving difficult – The economic crisis, the swine flu, and the fact that Hilary Clinton is still on the loose. I believe I have found the solution to every problem forever, sir. Communism. If we start calling people communists, people will be too afraid to care about whether they have any money or not.

            Therefore, I offer you the following list for your consideration. The following people are communists:

            Matt Damon: Let’s face it. With all those Bourne moves, it looks a little like someone was trained by the KGB. Try and escape from this fast-paced plot, comrade.

            Quentin Tarantino: Our current insider tips have shown, with scientific evidence, that he is possessed by the Ghost of Stalin.

            The Parker Brothers: Monopoly? Who are you fooling? We don’t have Community Chest here in the good ol’ West. But we have do have jails. That we like to fill with commies.

            Tina Fey and Sarah Palin: In Soviet Russia, a cloning machine was developed. They cloned a sheep. They named her Dollyskevich. Now they’ve cloned humans. Clearly bred as super-soldiers, hidden behind glasses that can probably shoot some form of atomic laser beam. Well, now you look just like a prisoner, Tina.

            Lindsay Lohan: Why so skinny? You’ve been sharing your food? Equal portions to the public, you say? What’s that? I can’t understand you. I don’t speak Communist.

            Christian Bale: If Batman has taught us anything, it’s that capitalism is the best thing in the world, and that the USA is the #1 country. Oh wait, no it didn’t. But it did show the world that blowing up boats is wrong. You know where else they think blowing up boats is wrong? Russia. Class dismissed, Baleski.

            Colonel Sanders: Our southern United States intel has informed us that the inside of chickens is red. Who put that red there? I’ll tell you who. A communist mastermind chicken-enthusiast. What’re you hiding behind that moustache, Sanders? Oh, wait, I know. Treason.

            Osama Bin Laden: We still can’t find him, and I think I know why. Because Osama Bin Laden has shaved and taken a job as a pizza delivery man in the Lower East Side of New York. They call him Tony now, like the tiger. And you know where else they have tigers? Russian zoos.

            Steve Jobs: iPod? iPhone? Those sound a little too much like iVan and iGor to me. And if my rhyming dictionary serves me well, Mac rhymes with attack, does it not? A little hint at your evil plan, Stevie? Well, I’m a PC. Patriotic Capitalist.

            James Earl Jones: Not only did he corrupt the minds of 1977 by teaching American children that respiratory illnesses make you evil, but he also proclaims that this is CNN (Communist Nation Now). Last time I checked, the only initials I’ll salute are the U.S. of A. Darth Vader? More like Go To Jail, You Stupid Communist.

            The Crest Toothpaste Company: Crest fights gingivitis. Crest fights plague. Crest fights bad breath. But Crest never claims to fight communists. Because they are communists. Tastes like justice, eh, Crestchev?

            Queen Elizabeth II: She’s one of the richest people in the world. She’s got plenty of jewelry and gold. And you know what jewelry and gold can be melted into? Tanks and flagpoles. Flagpoles used to hold the U.S.S.R. flag up. Also, her Corgis eat Americans.

            As you can see, there are many communists in today’s society that go unnoticed because no-one else has the resources or talent of deduction that I do. That is why, Mr. Obama, I would like to apply to be Vice-Obama. I feel that I would fill the position well, and I promise you will get at least five Communists a week (more if I get bored).

            Thank you for your consideration,
            Your soon-to-be Vice-Obama.

One Response to “A Letter to the President”

  1. […] A Letter To The President A Letter To The President 2 A Letter To The President 3 A Letter To The President 4   That is all. […]


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